♥ Home Sweet Home ♥

Felt myself being such stupid today.
Didn't received any text from someone and I started be worried about his condition since he has sick for 2 days continuously.
I think a lot and assumed lot of scenarios that he could be hungry while having fever and nothing to grab, or been sleeping whole day and no one noticed about him, maybe he needs someone send him to clinic or fever getting worst.
You can saying me think too much, or over sensitive or paranoid.
Yes, I am. At least I'm showing my caring and effort to someone that I love.
Somehow, my worries getting more and more and I couldn't focus on my open book exam.
I quickly went to grocery shop to get him some stuff which I think is needed.
Done my quick bathed and wanted to head out to his place and suddenly phone ring, I was told he was busy of settled some stuff today and now preparing for dinner.
I couldn't believed myself that I'm actually tearing while I'm reading his messages.
I cried so loud and couldn't believed it.
He went out without my information and at the other side I was being so tension about him like a crazy girl.
You know what, at the moment my thought was telling me that I'm damn stupid!
I'm doing something that someone never noticed about and ppl don't appreciate.
And I'm the one who being so stupid from the beginning until the end of the day.
I being so worries and someone was at outside enjoying his lunch.
I was thought if he is fine then he will look for me bringing me out for something.
All the things that I guessed was totally wrong!
I losing control of crying at the moment, nothing can be as stupid as what I have done today.
Am I doing something wrong again? Enlighten me if yes.
What am I meant to you? You made me feel lost for my idea.
Maybe I'm not that important to you. I'm not your priority. I'm not the most that you love.
Or maybe I'm just your so called human companion in life.
I'm unwell today but I put it the priority for you first.
I never ever feel that I'm so stupid in my life you know?
I have no idea what's the point for me being such stupid?
This is heartbreaking and insecure and I can't stand for it.
Am I not tolerated enough?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not being a good girlfriend enough?
What I want is just to have your respect which I think is not hard.
I'm such an idiot for whatever I did today.

Sometimes, I hate the feeling of getting lost and is about everything happen my life, career, family, and love.
Suppose to have a healthy way to handle and I even tried to adapt the feeling somehow when you get used to it there's always something happened twisting it.
Damn it! I hate this feeling so so much! It shows that I'm so petty!
Being stressful for over the weeks.
I can even forgot to take my car park tickets after I have paid, gave wrong card for swipe when I'm doing my purchasing. I feel so funny right, such an idiot.
I have been study about relationship thingy and been observed how couples live with each other.
I always curious how they communicate, any interest to do together and get each other closer.
And I found that communication is always the top 1 you should put effort on.
A relationship always a two way communication, just like when you have your interview, you don't expect only your interviewer to speak but you need to make response or question them as well.
Exactly happen on a couple. Of course you don't always expect your the other half always asking you what are you doing or some kind of question. Some ppl might don't like it cause is a bit like checking. Yourself should show your initiative as well right?
Be spontaneous to tell your other half what are you doing actually, how's your feeling of the day, you are missing him/her.
This is a sharing and they will appreciated that you telling them about yourself.
This is all about trustworthy.
Some ppl not used to show his/her initiative because in their mind is like as long as I know I love you and that's it, I don't need to tell you and the whole world how much am I love you.
In the other way, they think this is a PDA (Public Display of Affection) and they reluctant to do it.
Come on, do you know that this is actually one of the way to show your love?
Don't be so stingy to show your love to your love one! Is not a big deal, right?
For me, a I love you could make my day. Or some sweet/warm action been taken could make my day, for e.g. make me a breakfast, or something could surprise me.
Anyway, girls love surprise, guys please take note. LOL
Is not easy to maintain a relationship, it is two ppl and two communication involved.
Communication channel may misleading each other and create a fight.
For me, if the other half show me his impatient or raise up his voice or be fierce to me while talking to me.
I tell you, I will be super upset or get mad or irritating.
Different ppl have different environment of living and behavior.
That's why some couples can seeing each other everyday and they still can be as sweet as first day.
Some of them, can be quarrel if seeing each other too often.
Some of them, initially meeting everyday and slowly getting lesser and lesser, end of the day break up.
I'm always wondering why ppl can be changed from initially be very aggressive and passion until the end become slacking and passive or not bother anything.
Is time changed us or we changed the time being?
I'm looking for the answer but yet no one could answer me.
I'm still looking for someone who could answer me at the end of the day.
Waiting for the right one.  















  
 

It's our anniversary but I'm staying in room to spend my own time. It's been four days including today never meeting up. I don't know is this normal no, but I'm not used to it, I'm feeling sad right now. How should I be more understanding so that someone will noticed about me and care me? I'm not asking to take care of me everyday like a kid but no matter how independent is the gal is, she still need caring from boyfie, I bet this would agreed by every gal.

I wonder why all my friends who are in couple, they still can be lovely sweet bird all the time although they have couples year of relationship. Seriously, I'm envy them. They used to hang out for dinner, movie, shopping and used to do things together but me, alone all the time.

I wish today may have a simple dinner or hang out on our anniversary but nothing. I'm so upset and I don't know how to tell that actually I don't like this kind of feeling, it's hurt. I even hate it. I don't like ppl being cold to me. I have so much things to share with but always not the right person who beside me. And I need to get all these things done by myself when I facing difficulty. Not to say I'm not independent enought, but I wish someone who show his caring to me at least. Although I can handle myself sometimes or most of the time.

Or maybe this is my life. Maybe I need to be alone in my life although I have the other half. A little action is enough to show how you care about the person that you care. Or maybe, I'm not that important, just a human companion or maybe I'm nothing.

Well, I'm nothing. What a gift today. Thanks.

There is always an obstacle in life for endless. I don't know how to explain but is like every time when you had settled down something there is something going to happen or is happening on the other side.
Really endless man, damn it.
People can always just be lucky on what they wish to have, but I'm going to struggle for it, ain't easy.
Well, I know someone will lecture me with his own theory if he see this. I still want to tell insist.
This is the only way I can distress man. I feeling stressful for my life. Ok, I know if I telling people this, they will stare at you and question: Like this also stress ah? How do you expect you life could be in future for 3-5 years? Bla bla bla....
Ok, stop! Whatever answer you going to tell, I knew it, still I wanna to tell that I bloody stress.
I not dare to tell my parent  how stress I could be. I went for Shisha, sing k, drive myself all the way to Genting with my buddy, and more coming soon if the pressure still never let go of me.
I'm actually happy that one of the business had let go. Yes, I'm happy for that seriously. But the other side, I need to look for new job before hand over to someone.
Is easy to look for the jobs, but looking for the job that you prefer the most are always toughest. To be honest, I never looking for job before but the job look for me. The only thing I felt lucky was during I having my final exam in Degree, the job look for me and the manager asked me for an interview and straight away confirmed me as their permanent staff. What a lucky.
During that time I was fresh grad, plenty of common knowledge actually I don't even know, for e.g. you need to sign off a letter offer before you start to work. So, I worked for a year only realized about it, quite stupid right. I'm disappointed more than unhappy. I put so much of my effort on it. I even sacrificed my family day on weekend and went for work, at the end of the day I get nothing at all. I leave.
Until now, this is the first time I seeking for jobs, you might laugh at me that mid 20 person now only learn to seek for job, experience how is the interview like.
Stressful, stressful.... My sis and buddy noticed about it. They asked me not to put so high expectations and high requirement on myself. If I don't do this, it wont able to motivate myself, though. They asked me go for travel. Suddenly the idea pop out in my mind: I wanna travel alone.
Already make a promise with cousin brothers and sister we will be travelling to Taiwan end of this year. Previously someone had promised will bringing me to Japan as well, but it seem like not going to happen so forget about it although I really wish to go. And now, I feeling to travel, it's been 4 months never travel after my Singapore trip. I love to travel a lot. And I'm thinking where to go. Maybe Hua Hin or Vietnam or any other countries which suit for solo traveler.
My mind stuck currently, tiring to think about myself though. Sometime I wish to tell him about my problem but I don't know how to tell. I rather hide up myself for cry until fall sleep, or go somewhere to take a walk, or anything could relax myself that will be good.
You know what, everyone need to work and they have their own problem to settle to handle. I just try not to be a troublemaker in front of my beloved one. It seem like I'm always bringing them negative emotion. I wish to talk to someone that I could talk with or someone which could appear whenever I need someone. I don't even someone to talk to me but give me a hug will do. Hug is everything which could make me feel the love and care. I enjoy it, serious.
The people who used to close to me consoled not to push myself for so hard, this is unhealthy way. Everyone have the right to deserve the thing they want, so do I.
I'm just sick and tired of my life.












 

失望再一次降临。。。 不晓得在他人眼中是否无关痛痒还是敏感多心。。。 努力扮演的角色并非他人的理想角色。。。 已经无能为力。。。 顺其自然，接受命运的安排。。。 又是一个拥着泪海的夜晚入眠。

情绪病最近爱找碴。。。 三五两天就找我麻烦好几次。。。 时而大笑，时而安静。。。 甚至好几次莫名其妙地掉眼泪。。。 距离情绪化的时候已经是好久好久的时候了。。。 很多时候已不能自己。。。 每每就是那个人更加地迷失。。。 莫名其妙闹情绪，发脾气，掉眼泪。。。 好多好多莫名其妙的事情根本不受控制。。。 很多时候不是不想表达而是不会表达选择草草带过。。。 不想话题一而再再而三重复使自己小气敏感。。。 更不想常把同一个话题重复式的当开头或结尾。。。 每次都告诉自己，没事！没事！过渡期而已， 很快好起来。。。 偏偏总是许多瓶颈。。。 不知从哪里说起，所以宁愿埋藏在心里，板着脸，一副不在乎的样子。。。 你越是期待某件事情的发生，越是不会发生。。。 这时便拿自己出气。。。 当有人想为你实现你的期待，其实你已经心灰意冷了。。。 放再多的心思也是徒劳。。。 或许该好好静一静。。。 或许该想想我的下一站。。。 或许这会是最后一站， 是时候说再见了。。。

久违了。。。 距离伤心，畏惧有一段很长的时间。。。 今晚莫名其妙关上房门毫无目的地落泪。。。 也不是真的毫无目的， 只是。。。久违的心情，情绪又回来了。。。 很讨厌看见这样的自己。。。 那么的懦弱，那么的无助。。。 其实那没什么，偏偏爱和自己和别人的过去在斗气。。。 无法原谅及放下根本不必要在乎的过去。。。 痛恨耿耿于怀的自己。。。 到底还可以走下去吗？ 视线已经模糊，看不见前方的路更看不见原来的自己。。。 泪水好久都没那么不听话了，大概想要放肆任性一下。。。 或者还需要时间的调适去放过自己。。。