♥ Home Sweet Home ♥

Felt myself being such stupid today.
Didn't received any text from someone and I started be worried about his condition since he has sick for 2 days continuously.
I think a lot and assumed lot of scenarios that he could be hungry while having fever and nothing to grab, or been sleeping whole day and no one noticed about him, maybe he needs someone send him to clinic or fever getting worst.
You can saying me think too much, or over sensitive or paranoid.
Yes, I am. At least I'm showing my caring and effort to someone that I love.
Somehow, my worries getting more and more and I couldn't focus on my open book exam.
I quickly went to grocery shop to get him some stuff which I think is needed.
Done my quick bathed and wanted to head out to his place and suddenly phone ring, I was told he was busy of settled some stuff today and now preparing for dinner.
I couldn't believed myself that I'm actually tearing while I'm reading his messages.
I cried so loud and couldn't believed it.
He went out without my information and at the other side I was being so tension about him like a crazy girl.
You know what, at the moment my thought was telling me that I'm damn stupid!
I'm doing something that someone never noticed about and ppl don't appreciate.
And I'm the one who being so stupid from the beginning until the end of the day.
I being so worries and someone was at outside enjoying his lunch.
I was thought if he is fine then he will look for me bringing me out for something.
All the things that I guessed was totally wrong!
I losing control of crying at the moment, nothing can be as stupid as what I have done today.
Am I doing something wrong again? Enlighten me if yes.
What am I meant to you? You made me feel lost for my idea.
Maybe I'm not that important to you. I'm not your priority. I'm not the most that you love.
Or maybe I'm just your so called human companion in life.
I'm unwell today but I put it the priority for you first.
I never ever feel that I'm so stupid in my life you know?
I have no idea what's the point for me being such stupid?
This is heartbreaking and insecure and I can't stand for it.
Am I not tolerated enough?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not being a good girlfriend enough?
What I want is just to have your respect which I think is not hard.
I'm such an idiot for whatever I did today.

Sometimes, I hate the feeling of getting lost and is about everything happen my life, career, family, and love.
Suppose to have a healthy way to handle and I even tried to adapt the feeling somehow when you get used to it there's always something happened twisting it.
Damn it! I hate this feeling so so much! It shows that I'm so petty!
Being stressful for over the weeks.
I can even forgot to take my car park tickets after I have paid, gave wrong card for swipe when I'm doing my purchasing. I feel so funny right, such an idiot.
I have been study about relationship thingy and been observed how couples live with each other.
I always curious how they communicate, any interest to do together and get each other closer.
And I found that communication is always the top 1 you should put effort on.
A relationship always a two way communication, just like when you have your interview, you don't expect only your interviewer to speak but you need to make response or question them as well.
Exactly happen on a couple. Of course you don't always expect your the other half always asking you what are you doing or some kind of question. Some ppl might don't like it cause is a bit like checking. Yourself should show your initiative as well right?
Be spontaneous to tell your other half what are you doing actually, how's your feeling of the day, you are missing him/her.
This is a sharing and they will appreciated that you telling them about yourself.
This is all about trustworthy.
Some ppl not used to show his/her initiative because in their mind is like as long as I know I love you and that's it, I don't need to tell you and the whole world how much am I love you.
In the other way, they think this is a PDA (Public Display of Affection) and they reluctant to do it.
Come on, do you know that this is actually one of the way to show your love?
Don't be so stingy to show your love to your love one! Is not a big deal, right?
For me, a I love you could make my day. Or some sweet/warm action been taken could make my day, for e.g. make me a breakfast, or something could surprise me.
Anyway, girls love surprise, guys please take note. LOL
Is not easy to maintain a relationship, it is two ppl and two communication involved.
Communication channel may misleading each other and create a fight.
For me, if the other half show me his impatient or raise up his voice or be fierce to me while talking to me.
I tell you, I will be super upset or get mad or irritating.
Different ppl have different environment of living and behavior.
That's why some couples can seeing each other everyday and they still can be as sweet as first day.
Some of them, can be quarrel if seeing each other too often.
Some of them, initially meeting everyday and slowly getting lesser and lesser, end of the day break up.
I'm always wondering why ppl can be changed from initially be very aggressive and passion until the end become slacking and passive or not bother anything.
Is time changed us or we changed the time being?
I'm looking for the answer but yet no one could answer me.
I'm still looking for someone who could answer me at the end of the day.
Waiting for the right one.  















  
 

It's our anniversary but I'm staying in room to spend my own time. It's been four days including today never meeting up. I don't know is this normal no, but I'm not used to it, I'm feeling sad right now. How should I be more understanding so that someone will noticed about me and care me? I'm not asking to take care of me everyday like a kid but no matter how independent is the gal is, she still need caring from boyfie, I bet this would agreed by every gal.

I wonder why all my friends who are in couple, they still can be lovely sweet bird all the time although they have couples year of relationship. Seriously, I'm envy them. They used to hang out for dinner, movie, shopping and used to do things together but me, alone all the time.

I wish today may have a simple dinner or hang out on our anniversary but nothing. I'm so upset and I don't know how to tell that actually I don't like this kind of feeling, it's hurt. I even hate it. I don't like ppl being cold to me. I have so much things to share with but always not the right person who beside me. And I need to get all these things done by myself when I facing difficulty. Not to say I'm not independent enought, but I wish someone who show his caring to me at least. Although I can handle myself sometimes or most of the time.

Or maybe this is my life. Maybe I need to be alone in my life although I have the other half. A little action is enough to show how you care about the person that you care. Or maybe, I'm not that important, just a human companion or maybe I'm nothing.

Well, I'm nothing. What a gift today. Thanks.

There is always an obstacle in life for endless. I don't know how to explain but is like every time when you had settled down something there is something going to happen or is happening on the other side.
Really endless man, damn it.
People can always just be lucky on what they wish to have, but I'm going to struggle for it, ain't easy.
Well, I know someone will lecture me with his own theory if he see this. I still want to tell insist.
This is the only way I can distress man. I feeling stressful for my life. Ok, I know if I telling people this, they will stare at you and question: Like this also stress ah? How do you expect you life could be in future for 3-5 years? Bla bla bla....
Ok, stop! Whatever answer you going to tell, I knew it, still I wanna to tell that I bloody stress.
I not dare to tell my parent  how stress I could be. I went for Shisha, sing k, drive myself all the way to Genting with my buddy, and more coming soon if the pressure still never let go of me.
I'm actually happy that one of the business had let go. Yes, I'm happy for that seriously. But the other side, I need to look for new job before hand over to someone.
Is easy to look for the jobs, but looking for the job that you prefer the most are always toughest. To be honest, I never looking for job before but the job look for me. The only thing I felt lucky was during I having my final exam in Degree, the job look for me and the manager asked me for an interview and straight away confirmed me as their permanent staff. What a lucky.
During that time I was fresh grad, plenty of common knowledge actually I don't even know, for e.g. you need to sign off a letter offer before you start to work. So, I worked for a year only realized about it, quite stupid right. I'm disappointed more than unhappy. I put so much of my effort on it. I even sacrificed my family day on weekend and went for work, at the end of the day I get nothing at all. I leave.
Until now, this is the first time I seeking for jobs, you might laugh at me that mid 20 person now only learn to seek for job, experience how is the interview like.
Stressful, stressful.... My sis and buddy noticed about it. They asked me not to put so high expectations and high requirement on myself. If I don't do this, it wont able to motivate myself, though. They asked me go for travel. Suddenly the idea pop out in my mind: I wanna travel alone.
Already make a promise with cousin brothers and sister we will be travelling to Taiwan end of this year. Previously someone had promised will bringing me to Japan as well, but it seem like not going to happen so forget about it although I really wish to go. And now, I feeling to travel, it's been 4 months never travel after my Singapore trip. I love to travel a lot. And I'm thinking where to go. Maybe Hua Hin or Vietnam or any other countries which suit for solo traveler.
My mind stuck currently, tiring to think about myself though. Sometime I wish to tell him about my problem but I don't know how to tell. I rather hide up myself for cry until fall sleep, or go somewhere to take a walk, or anything could relax myself that will be good.
You know what, everyone need to work and they have their own problem to settle to handle. I just try not to be a troublemaker in front of my beloved one. It seem like I'm always bringing them negative emotion. I wish to talk to someone that I could talk with or someone which could appear whenever I need someone. I don't even someone to talk to me but give me a hug will do. Hug is everything which could make me feel the love and care. I enjoy it, serious.
The people who used to close to me consoled not to push myself for so hard, this is unhealthy way. Everyone have the right to deserve the thing they want, so do I.
I'm just sick and tired of my life.